As I reflect on the past 12 months, and what we have
lived I look at my roller-coaster emotions.
Twelve months ago right at this time I felt a sensation through my body,
like if something had happened, I didn’t know what it was. A few hours later my
father called me to tell me the news that my mother had passed away. He was
very emotional, he had been containing his emotions for days, weeks, possibly
months. Once he told me my mind processed it but my heart took a while do so. It
was like it had not sunk in. I think at times that it has not sunk in, that she
is still in the hospital.
In the days and weeks before my mother’s passing I used
to question my creator on why was he extending the inevitable, why was he
making my mother and everybody around her suffer. What was the purpose of it.
Those are the mysteries of life. I guess that when we are face to face with God
we will have plenty of time to ask him about his ways, even though by then those
questions will surely become irrelevant.
As I traveled to Argentina in 2012 I was convinced that
I was prepared for what the future would bring. but once the time came I realized
that I was not. I went through a long period of depression, of mourning, of
loss.
The loss of a parent, or a close one, in my view, is like
a heart attack, the heart keeps beating but part of it no longer functions. We will never be the same. It is like the end
of our childhood, the end of an era. Parents always think of their children as
kids, even though they are married and have kids of their own.
I miss my conversations with my mother, I miss her
support, her love. When my mother passed away not only did I lose my mother I
lost a close friend.
I hear her voice, I feel her presence.
I cannot say that I long for the past, like my mother
used to do, but I do understand her, at least a little bit more.
Ironically enough my father has been in the hospital
since Sunday, and after four days of studies, to his displeasure, he has not
told when he is going home. This has made the day of the first anniversary of
her passing a “strange” one.
My sister, being in the front line, as she is, has had to
do most of the heavy lift, first with my mother, her passing, the support my
father needed at the time, and now with him in the hospital, even though it may
be hopefully just temporary. His reliance on her is enormous in every way.
As far as the last 365 days it is hard to believe that we
have gone round the sun once since the day my mother left us. We may not be
able to see her but her spirit, her joy and love will always stay with us.
God bless you, Mum. We love you.
