Apoyo en momentos dificiles

Hace unos días recibí una triste noticia, la seňora de una persona que considero más que un amigo había fallecido.
Este blog es sobre que decirle a un familiar que acaba de perder a un ser querido, sin ser metido, sin ser entrometido, sin tocar el tema que es más obvio, el hecho de haber perdido ese ser querido, y por otro lado intentando de hacerle sentir a esa persona que uno está tratando, dentro de sus limitaciones, de darle un poco de apoyo, un intento de levantarle el ánimo.
Siempre dá la impresión que a uno, como en mi caso que siempre está hablando, en muchos casos de más, en ese momento le faltan las palabras. Es como si tuviese la mente en blanco, y lo peor de todo es que está en el momento tratando de pensar en algo y nada viene a la mente.
Yo soy uno de ellos que me paso dando vueltas con el tema, que no me lo puedo sacar de la cabeza. Porque algo por dentro me dice esta persona te necesita, no podes en estas circunstancias borrarte. Es muy facil estar de joda, divirtiendote, pero cuando algo malo pasa no se puede dejar a esa persona de lado. No creo en el dicho que dice: “ríe, y el mundo reirá contigo, llora y llorarás solo”. Porque esos no son mis valores. En ingles hay un dicho que dice: “a friend in need is a friend indeed”, traducido (o adpatado) un amigo en necesidad es un verdadero amigo. Y ésta es mi forma de pensar y los valores que guían mi vida.
En definitiva lo que quiero decir con ésto es que en estos momentos, difíciles, es cuando se ve la amistad que uno tiene y siente, aunque las palabras no vengan a la mente, y la presencia física, como en mi caso, no se pueda dar, saber que en espíritu, en oraciones, en cualquier tipo de apoyo sentimental esa persona pueda saber que no están completamente solos en la tormenta, y que hay alguien que de una u otra manera está con ellos teniendo, o tendiendole la mano.

Envejeciendo

De un tiempo a esta parte he estado pensando en el hecho de que estoy envejeciendo. Esto puede parecer paranoia, pero no lo es. Me encuentro padeciendo las típicas cosas de mi edad, anteojos, cholesterol alto, alta presión, el hecho que cuando cargo algo pesado o cuando subo laderas empinadas me canso. Me acuerdo cuando mi abuelo, hace unos cuantos aňos atrás, nos quiso ayudar a cargar con un colchón, y le dijimos que no, se sientió ofendido. Habíamos herido sus sentimientos. En ese momento era más joven y no entendía que lo que habiamos hecho era hacerle sentir que no podia hacerlo más. El espíritu es joven pero…
También me doy cuenta que estoy envejeciendo, primero, por medio de mis padres, y el hecho de que están envejeciendo, segundo, por mis hijos, dado que están creciendo. Victoria se va a ir a una universidad en cuestión de meses, e Ian se ha convertido en un hombre. Es increible lo rápido que pasa el tiempo. Lo digo no solamente porque mis hijos crecen, sino lo que más me ha hecho consciente de ello fué la reunion que tuvimos en mi ultimo viaje a Argentina. No me afectó el hecho de verlos cambiados a mis ex-compaňeros , dado que me miro todos los días en el espejo, y todos hemos cambiado, pero lo que más me afectó, y creo que todavía lo estoy razionalizando, es el hecho de que han pasado 35 aňos desde que egresamos del colegio secundario. Es realmente el hecho del paso del tiempo que me ha shoqueado. Todavía no puedo creer que tanto tiempo ha pasado desde nuestra graduación . No soy uno de esos que desea vivir en el pasado, aunque a muchos le dé esa impresión. Estoy agradecido por esos momentos, los guardo en mi corazón pero estoy contento con el presente. El presente no es perfecto, pero nada lo es, tampoco lo era el pasado. Pero lo que quiero decir con presente es que es todo lo que tengo, lo estoy viviendo, disfrutando cada momento. Para mi mirar hacia el futuro no tiene sentido. Si nos obsesionamos con el futuro no disfrutamos el presente. El pasado es una memoria, y siempre elegimos las memorias que más nos interesan, por eso pensamos que el pasado era mejor.
Con respecto a envejecer es alarmante que rápido pasa el tiempo. La vida pasa en un abrir y cerrar de ojos. O también podemos mirar el vaso medio lleno y decir “el tiempo pasa rápido cuando la estamos pasando bien”.

Aging

For some time I have been thinking about the fact that I am aging. This may seem like paranoia, but it isn’t. I see myself starting to deal with typical things of my age, glasses, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, the fact that when I carry heavy stuff or go up steep slopes I get tired. I remember a few years ago when my grandfather tried to help sharing the load of a light mattress we said not to, and he felt offended. We had hurt his feelings. At the time I was too young to understand but we had told him that he was not up to it anymore. We don’t realize that we are aging, that the body is not the same. Our spirit is young but….
I also notice the fact that I am aging in many things, first, through my parents and the fact that they are getting old, second, with my kids growing up. Victoria will be leaving to go to college in just a few months, and Ian has become a young gentleman. It is amazing how fast time flies, not just with my kids growing up, but I did realize it because of the reunion that we had during my last trip to Argentina. It did not affect me to see them changed, because I see myself every day in the mirror and I realize that we all change. But the thing that affected me the most, and I think I am trying to still come to terms with is the fact that 35 years have passed since we finished high school. It is the time factor that has me shocked. I cannot believe that such a long time has passed since our graduation. And I am not one of those longing for the past, even though it may appear that way. I know other people who long for days gone by but I look at life in a different way. I am thankful for those moments, I cherish them but I am happy with the present. What I mean by the present is not that everything is perfect, nothing ever is, the past was not perfect either. What I mean is that the present is all I have, and I am living it, enjoying the moment.
And I don’t think it makes any sense to look into the future. If we worry about the future we do not enjoy the present. The past is a memory, and usually we choose the memories that we are interested in, that’s why we think that it was better.
Going back to aging it is just alarming how fast time flies. Life goes by in just a blink of an eye. Or we can look at the glass half full and say “time flies when you are having fun”.

Frank and the Pool of Bethesda

For almost two years I have been trying to help a person to commit himself to Jesus Christ.
Before I go any further I must say that it has been an enriching experience. It has been in many instances like looking in the mirror, as he raises some of the questions that I used to have for a long time.
He challenges my mind, my beliefs, and even though that may sound not for everybody it is one of the many reasons why I have not moved on and given up. The other reason is because, although I have not been able to make him jump into the pool of Bethesda, I know that God will use me to eventually touch him, while he touches me and blesses both of us with the JOY of knowing that our creator is in charge, that he did not send his son in vain to die on the cross for all of us, believers and non-believers, Jews and Gentiles.
The power of God, his mercy, his love and compassion are things that are hard to grasp. This is one of the things that Frank has a hard time coming to grips with.
He (Frank) shares a story that many of us can relate to, with family members not sharing the love of Christ with each other and with him. I think this is because of the refusal to turn our lives to him. I, for many years, after my son was diagnosed with Autism, wondered in the wilderness. I walked away from my savior and my creator, and while friends would ask me to come back to church, I had decided, like I used to say, to put God in a drawer. This, contrary to what I thought, did not help me, it made matters worse. The pain was becoming intolerable, until one day a friend of mine said “you cannot go on like this, the pain is too much for one person to bear, and you need to TRUST YOUR SAVIOR, and let him carry the burden”. This was not the first that he had said this. But when you are in the middle of the thunderstorm it is very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But that day I said I will try it, I have nothing to lose.
It did work, and even though the pain, like a scar, will never go away, with his help I can face another day.
This, to a certain extent, is what I tell him week after week. Frank like many of us has a hard time letting go. It is difficult, because we are raised under the false premise that we should “take control of our lives”. That is a farce.
He asks me if he jumps into the pool of Bethesda is God going to cure his diabetes, his sleeping disorder, and I say no, those things will not go away. But trusting your creator, passing your cross onto him is the only way to find real peace.

Ian and his impact in our lives

As some of you may know, we have a son that has Autism.
Last year Kean University had a conference on the illness, and there were several auditoriums with different topics. I was invited to be a panelist on one of them. I found myself being the only member of the panel, which had two psychiatrists, and four parents, that had prepared an opening statement, in which I shared my view of what it is like to live with a child that is 15 years with a mental disability that we don’t know yet its cause, and therefore how to treat it. Doctors tend to treat all the effects of Autism, i.e.: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Epilepsy, and other things.
When I was finished reading my remarks I received an applause, which really moved me.
I said in my remarks that although I would love for my son to be “normal”, I could not imagine Ian being any other way. I would give my life for his normality, but I accept God for what he gives us.
Although many times there are lots of frustrations there are also many successes, many rewards, many things to be happy about.
I have learned to appreciate life for what he gives us. I say it is not the destination but the journey where happiness is. If we expect happiness as a destination we miss all the beauty that life gives us during the journey, with its sidetracks, its intersections.
And I think I have to come to understand through faith, knowing that my savior is always with me, helping me carry my cross.
I have also come to conclusion that God will take care of Ian. We can help him with tools to be able to survive, a profession that will help him make a living, wherever that may be. But at the end of the day it will be his creator, in his mercy, in his compassion, in his greater plan for him who will take care of him, who will determine what is Ian’s purpose in this world, just like he has for the rest of us.
As my wife attended the conference with me, although she was not a panelist member of the audience not only asked questions but were also involved in the q & a.
I also talked about the moment that my kids’ pediatrician told me that my son had a mild autism, and as I had never heard of the illness I looked it up on the internet, and how my life was devastated.
These were the same things we were hearing from members of the audience.
As we were driving back we were talking about the people that had attended the conference, and came to the conclusion that most of them were parents of kids that had been recently diagnosed, and we remembered having the same anxieties (not that they totally go away), their pain, their disappointment, their frustration. But as I told these parents at the conference, yesterday is gone, you cannot modify it, tomorrow will take care of itself, that it did not make any sense thinking about the days to come, nothing would change, so the thing that you have is the now, the present. To make the best of it, to enjoy every moment to the fullest, every success, because today will not repeat itself. A Spanish writer called Antonio Machado in one of his poems called “Proverbs and Songs” says: “Wanderer, your footsteps are the road, and nothing more; wanderer, there is no road, the road is made by walking. By walking one makes the road, and upon glancing behind one sees the path that will never be trod again (my favorite part). Wanderer, there is no road, only wakes upon the sea”. Because I come from a spanish speaking country, I must admit that I find that passage to have a greater impact in the native tongue.
Coming back to Ian, and thinking about the road, as I look back he has been a great influence, a great blessing and a lesson in our lives.
We go through life desiring what we don’t have without appreciating what surrounds us. That is where God’s blessing is, in all the small and “trivial” things.

Victoria and her future

As my daughter, Victoria, is approaching the end of her high school days new challenges lay ahead for, not only her, but also us.
The first one is the fact that she finds a college that will suit her choice of career, and that accepts her as well. This means trips to different campuses, for interviews, for auditions, to visit them so as to make an educated decision.
The second one is the question that I assume that every parent asks when their child ends high school and starts college, is my child ready for this?
Of course that we would like our children to do and choose what we want, but they have a will themselves. As a Spanish singer called Joan Manuel Serrat says in one of his songs referring to one’s children: “we pass them our fears and our frustrations”.
As believers we must trust our creator to guide and protect our beloved daughter.
Whatever decisions she makes, whatever road she chooses, she will have to live with it.
I know that Victoria is having herself a hard time with all of this. With trying to study at school, stress with the applications, the SAT exam, with interviews that she’s been to, the fact that she will be living, not just far away from home, but primarily far away from her boyfriend for the next few years. The fact that he may choose a career that will require him to study for his masters out of New Jersey.
So many things to worry about.
One of the things that we are reminded of through this whole process is that we are aging, the we are not young anymore, that time flies, and does not stop for any reason. It only seemed like yesterday that she was starting elementary school, and I use to drive her every morning on my way to work.
We will also miss the tremendous help that Victoria has given us with our son. Even in her moments of frustrations, these happen because many times as humans we find ourselves totally overpowered by the circumstances.
But the important thing is that she has a great career, in a profession that she absolutely loves, and she will have all the support of those of us who love her.

Afghanistan

President Obama has said tonight that he will be sending another 30 thousand troops to Afghanistan to fight terrorism.
There is no doubt that politicians are stuck with promises that they make in a campaign that when elected they have no choice to fulfill or it will be used against them at the next opportunity.
Unfortunately he will be sending 30 thousand young people to a never ending conflict. This will be Mr Obama’s Vietnam. I say this because he says that there is a time limit. By doing this he is trying to persuade his base that the troops will not be there forever. By the time this “timeframe” is up he will be stuck with his re-election. He will be then stuck with a quack mire, if he pulls out people are going to label him as a surrender, if he doesn’t then he is not keeping with his promise if a temporary mission.
The easiest way to resolve this and any other conflict such as Iraq is simple, two words people dislike to hear in this country: draft and taxes. The first one because it is a reminder if the last long conflict the US was involved in, Vietnam. Not only long but lack of support, and with an end result that this country has a hard time dealing with: FAILURE. I am a believer in this because it is an equalizer as far as troops are concerned. Even though neo-cons such as Cheney, and former president Bush were able to dodge Vietnam, it still levels the plainfield.
And second taxes. We cannot go on spending billions we do not have and charging the credit card. If we go ahead and have, like FDR had, a war tax, it will force those who benefit the most from wars, and who love beating the drum of war, to pay a much higher part of the taxes.
With these two measures the ordinary person will start being against conflicts, not just these that we are in, but also deter us from future conflicts.
We are willing to spend very easily money we don’t have in conflicts we don’t belong, while we refuse to cover every person living in this country with healthcare, and we are not interested in investing in people’s education.
We need to get our priorities straight unless we are willing to take the same path that took the Roman Empire to its collapse.